The Happy Side of Tears

There have only been a few times (that clearly stand out) that I have cried from sheer happiness and joy. It is a completely different feeling than crying from sadness. When crying from sadness, my body quivers/shakes, I whimper, I usually have heartache. However, when overjoyed to the extend that I come to tears, well, let's just say that ecstasy consumes me and washes over me at the specific moment. Almost like you've experienced so much pleasure, the only release there is, is crying.

#1: The moment I heard Malcolm's heartbeat. I was 10 weeks pregnant and Mr. J was unable to come to the appointment. It was my first real pre-natal appointment and I really didn't know what to expect. I surely wasn't expecting the Dr. to check for the baby's heartbeat. Because it was still fairly early, she warned me that we probably wouldn't hear it. After a couple of minutes of her sliding the fetal doppler over my belly, we heard the heartbeat loud and clear and strong. I instantly became overwhelmed with emotion and began to cry. Still, after this long, I get emotional when I speak of it.

#2: October 23, 2009, the birth of our son, Master K. Upon seeing my son for the 1st time, I was completely taken over by happiness and awesomeness. To finally see, in the flesh, this perfect little person Mr. J and I had created, the little person we had waited so long to meet, it was beyond my imagination; beyond words.

#3: October 3, 2010, Master K looked at me and said 'Mama' as clear as can be. I welled up with tears and hugged him tight. I can't even begin to explain my feelings.

I'm sure I will have many more happy tears in years to come. Sadly, I will likely have sad tears when it comes to Master K. I can only imagine how I will feel when he goes to the dayhome in a few weeks, when he starts kindergarten, says his first mean word to me or leaves home a grown man.

One day at a time. Enjoying every moment happy or sad.

Mushy Memories

Mr. J and I are doing some heavy duty spring cleaning in the basement.  It's been an eye-sore since Mr. J moved here, and it's only gotten worse. 

I've wanted to develop/finish the basement since I moved in over 3 years ago, but just never got around to it - nor had the money (not that we have the money now).  Being that I'm at home and have the time - AND - thinking of Master K's upcoming mobility, I want to try and make the most of the space that we have, spread out all of the furniture/things we have and get rid of the clutter.  I'm hoping to have the project complete before I return to work in November.

So...while cleaning out old boxes I stumbled upon a number of old items - as far back as my childhood.  Some of the more semi-recent (within that last 10 years) items were cards from Jeff (the ex).  Now, I did get rid of a lot of stuff after we parted ways, but these pictures and cards were packed away in a box that I thought only had high school stuff in it. 

It was nice to reminisce a little about how much 'in love' we were with each other.  The silly notes we left for each other and the funny/lovey dovey cards we gave to one another.  It definitely took me back to the good 'ole days when we were young, in love and just having fun.  Oh, how things can change.  But people change - people grow up and apart - and that's OK.  It was great once, but has long been over and put to rest.  Although, was nice to remember the fun that was once had between me and my ex, even if only for a moment.

A Sadness; A Celebration of Life

Losing a loved one is never easy, no matter how many people you've lost in your lifetime. There is a sense of sadness and heartache that they are no longer in this world, experiencing life. But, at some point in all the sadness that comes with death, it's important to gain some perspective about the situation.

It's important to take stock of their life experiences (especially near the end), and try to think of their thoughts/perspective rather than your own. I know my Grampa is at peace. I know that he's been lonely since Gramma passed 7 years ago, I know he didn't like feeling/being sick, and I know he had lost the desire to do many things he enjoyed over the years. So, although we are sad (temporarily), we should think of Grampa, because I am sure he is finally happy and content.

Mr. J is an excellent counsellor - he helps me look at the positive; to remember the wonderful times I had with my Grampa; to celebrate those times; and to feel privileged that I got to know, love, share my life with him for 32 years.

Although I didn't see him much over the past few years, I will miss him dearly. But I am happy for him because he's been reunited with Gramma in heaven.

Birthday Reflections

Now I realize I've said this & that in recent years, but TODAY will go down in history as being my warmest birthday ever..of course, until there is a day warmer..but until then, wahoo!!!! I can't believe it's going to be +11 today. Not only is it NOT -40, it's actually in the positives and double digits.

Reflecting on my final comments of last years post, my 31st year was great, and full of challenges as usual. The job is fantastic, and I still love going there everyday. The relationship is going strong, and we survived the challenges brought on by our new living arrangement, and are enjoying married life.

I travelled to San Jose and Jamaica this year, and cut back on the trips to Stoon. We took a mini-holiday to Canmore at New Years, and are looking forward to Dallas next month.

As for today, the first day of my 32nd year, I was surprised with a scavenger hunt to find my gifts. Once again, I got spoiled - funny t-shirts, video camera, Nickelback CD, gift cards, and more.

For the rest of the day, I plan on enjoying it with my hubby, relaxing with a massage in the late afternoon, and finishing the day off with our slo-pitch team's Annual Poker Party. It's going to be the perfect way to spend my birthday.

As for the rest of the days this coming year...I forsee big changes and new beginnings. I'm extremely excited.

A Personal Misson Statement

I spent the last 3 days in the most amazing workshop - The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Although the purpose of my attendance was to evaluate the course material to see if it fit with our business plan and goals at work, I personally had a amazing experience.

Although I already spend quite a bit of time reflecting and developing myself, I enjoy the dedicated time to re-examine and focus on what's most important. It really helps me continuously evaluate my life goals - personally and professionally.

I am sure a lot of you have heard of Stephen Covey, and his 'Habits', and probably have your own opinions and perspectives on his theories. I was always one who didn't really pursue any of his concepts in university or work, as I subscribed to the rumours that it was boring...too 'fluffy' or simply, not practical to apply. I must say, my opinion has changed....dramatically.

His concepts aren't rocket science, their not overly complex; they are simply, 'Common Sense' approaches to life. Whether you are looking to communicate better, work more efficiently, develop yourself, become more optimistic...there seems to be something for everyone. I believe, everyone should spend time developing themselves; striving for the best - a highly effective person.

The main take-away for me was the development of a personal mission statement. I have known for quite a number of years what is important to me in my life, and the things I strive for, however I've never written them down, together, in one full statement. So in addition to my mantra that supports my 'blog title', here is my personal mission statement along with a visual representation.

I want to:

• Maintain my passion and ambition for all things in life
• Lead a happy and healthy life through continuous learning, growth, and creation by:
• seeking adventure and new experiences
• giving to myself and to others
• building loving and lasting relationships with family and friends
• Always keep smiling-even in the face of adversity
  

Reflective Times

The Legislature Grounds are only a couple of blocks from my office building - wahoo! So beautiful and serene. I will definitely be spending a lot of time there this summer.

Thursday was particularly warm and sunny out so I decide to take a walk to the grounds. Now, it might have been the beautiful weather, or the fact that spring/summer is finally here, or perhaps I was just in a cheery mood, but I got thinking about my life and how happy I am in every single area of my life.

My career is taking off and I absolutely love my job, the people I work with, and the flexibility and autonomy I have with my work is wonderful. I own my own home, and after struggling for a bit, I am feeling fairly stable and secure in my financial situation. My love life is completely perfect; going strong; and continues to put a big smile on my face every day. I am more dedicated than ever to my family and continue to spend as much time with them as possible. I have great friends who love and support me tremendously and who let me know how fantastic I am doing; while continuing to meet new people and make new friends. I have been extremely active since I moved to Edmonton; joining sports like bowling, slo-pitch and volleyball; getting involved in Corporate Challenge for the 2nd year in a row; and trying new things like kickboxing. Finally, I am feeling stronger, more confident and independent than I ever have. before..which is hard to believe since I already thought I was pretty strong, confident and independent.

So....as I was thinking of all these aspects of my life during my walk, I concluded:

I've never been happier.....I am at my happiest!!

I continued my walk with a big smile on my face and soaked in the beauty around me.

The End of Year 30

Reflecting back on my 30th year, I see many things: challenges, change, sadness, heartache, the end of friendships, happiness, wisdom..., and I am sure the list could go on and on. However, I will refrain from calling it 'a bad year' or 'a year of transition' (as many people have said to me). It has been a year of excitement and needed changes. Granted, there have been many changes over the year, I could say that about a lot of years in my life. My life is full changes, and I find it is really about how I decide to look at each situation and eventually summarize the events in my life that make it so. And like most everything in my life, I like to view my circumstances as positively as I can. That's just they way I am.

The beginning of my 30th year brought closure to a large chapter in my life. I said goodbye to a dear friend, who I loved for many, many years. It can be hard to say goodbye, I know in my heart it is the best for me. This period in my life has provided me with an opportunity to really grow and learn as an individual, and I've found that I am stronger because of it. Although it may have needed to end sooner than it did, I believe that everything happens for a reason and I know it ended exactly when it was suppose to.

Although I have spent the last year mostly away from family and friends, I have never been more dedicated in my life to invest time with those who are important to me and ensure that I am nurturing those relationships. I spent a large part of the year getting to know some of my friends on a more personal basis - taking the time to learn more about them. My friends have always been important to me, but when I look back a lot of my so called 'friendships' have been because we regularly ran into each other at parties or gaming events. Little did I realize that I really knew nothing about some of my friends, ones that I actually considered myself close to.

In getting to know one of my friends, I have found an amazing individual. He is thoughtful, caring, compassionate, patient and so much more. He truly brings out the best in me...someone who had been lost for sometime. I have found my soulmate in Mr. J; I love him deeply more than I could have ever imagined.

As my 30th year began to draw to a close, I began to feel a lot of stress and anxiety regarding my career. The exciting new job I had been offered last ear was turning into the 'Worst Job of my Life.' There was a lot of soul searching and job searching, trying to get a handle on my situation, and it wasn't improving. Finally, a break! With a great job opportunity just around the corner and a much needed holiday, I was back on my feet feeling as confident as ever regarding my career. The year has ended off with a bang, as I start my new job just days before my 31st birthday.

It has been an wonderful, exciting year navigating a new job (two, I guess), a new city, single life, and a new relationship.

I look forward to my 31st year, as I am sure it will bring forth many challenges, as usual.

First Challenge of 2008

I did say in my last post that I had no specific resolutions, but that I would continue with my standard MO. So in keeping with my MO of 'challenging myself, I am going to try to be more poetic in 2008.

My sweet Mr. J gave me the Magnetic Poetry Haiku Kit as one of my gifts this Christmas season. As well as a book of poems by e.e. cummings.

I just finished assembling the magnetics on my fridge and completed my first haiku poem (ever) of 2008.

a flower petal
blossoming for a childs smile
will fall with a tear

Karma

A little something my mother sent me today. My mother is a wonderful, smart lady.

Instructions for Life

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve risk.
2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R's:
1. Respect for self,
2. Respect for others, and
3. Responsibility for all your actions.
   
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great relationship.
7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
8. Spend some time alone every day.
9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
14. Share your knowledge. It is the way to achieve immortality.
15. Be gentle with the earth.
16. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

I just got off the phone with James after an amazing conversation about life, careers, change, new opportunities.....

I sat down at my computer, looked out the window and saw the most brilliant rainbow.

There is something about seeing the most beautiful colours illuminate through a gloomy sky. A sign perhaps of bright colourful days ahead.

Pounding out the blues

About once a month I get a little down, a little blue...today happens to be one of those days.

I have tried to distract myself with as many things as possible, yet it seems to only be a temporary solution. As soon as the laundry is done, movie is over, book is done, work-out completed....my mind becomes filled with unpleasant thoughts. These thoughts seem to range from most recent events to ones that happened years and years ago. However, I take solace in the fact that I have experienced these kinds of days many many times, and it passes..usually within a day.

The most current event in my life that I have really been avoiding thinking or talking about is my best friend. In September-October her and her husband will be moving to Dallas, Texas. Chad got an amazing job offer that he couldn't turn down. I am super happy for him; both of them. This is a great opportunity for them and I know they are both looking forward to the change. I guess my sadness comes from purely selfish reasons, that being: I am going to really, really miss my best friend. She has been in Calgary for almost 9 years, and in those 9 years has wanted me to move closer. Now that I am finally here, she is leaving - poopy. However, it isn't anything that we can't overcome. We spent most of our adult lives living apart from one another and have still managed to keep our friendship strong. I am just thankful that she has been close by during these past few months; she has definitely been my rock.

I really love Jen, and I am going to really miss her (and Chad of course). :)

I must be down, I can't even write this without getting teary.

Fate?

Do you ever get the feeling that everything is falling exactly into place?....like it was always suppose to be this way and you really never had any control? These questions probe the idea of fate being reality or theory.

I am really not sure how I feel about fate. On the one hand, I like to think I am in complete control of my life and my happiness, and for the most part I do believe this. I don't think anyone is going to make me happy except ME! And if I am not truely happy with myself, it can be difficult to enjoy the happiness that surrounds me.

Well, there is definitely no argument when it comes to my state of happiness right now...it's fantastic!

So...fate...I guess, I am starting to feel that this may play more of a role, in my life anyways. I do think everything happens for a reason and sometimes those things don't make sense, they just are and they feel so right you don't even question why it is that way.

I wouldn't say I am going to leave my life in the hands of the fate gnomes, but I feel I am a lot more open about the possibilities and mysteries of life and I am going to enjoy every last one as they come my way.